Change of Focus

With all the illness I have dealt with in the past six weeks, I have had a lot of time to sit and think about things. I’ve talked with doctors, talked with my husband and thought long and hard about the things that are important to me.

I have had a lot of revelations recently, which have lead me to see that my life is mostly directed by fear, a byproduct of the abuses I suffered as a child. I have learned to see my subconcious not as something working against me but as something that has worked hard for me over the years as my protector. Something that is not going to be convinced that I am safe with the say I am living my life now.

I have remembered that I am sensitive to stress and have a fairly low limit before it starts influencing my health. I have also come to see that the number on the scale is something I need in my life because I could ‘lose control’ without it.

I look at this blog and the archives, and I think about all the ups and downs over the years. If there is one thing I have taken from that, it’s that I never stop trying. I make mistakes by the dozen and have believed in false solutions, but I never stay on the ground for long.

But now it’s time to stop fighting.

Don’t get me wrong; this isn’t giving up. I have come to see, though, that my life has been about fear, fighting and survival for far too long. There isn’t nearly enough rest, relaxation and acceptance. I can talk to you all afternoon long about simple things to do to help lose weight. I know very little about how to let go of the things that helped me gain weight in the first place.

For years now, this blog has been about fighting the good fight to get healthy. There’s nothing wrong with that, and I still love to read blogs about those who are doing that. But for me? My time for fighting has come to a stop for now. Today I am taking deep breaths and changing the path I’m walking on.

I will still talk about the usual, most likely. Plus, I will still get on the scale – though I can’t tell you how often at the moment. But I will also be incorporating my new goals for my life, adding to them as I see fit and taking away when necessary. I will be working on creating a safe environment for myself in all ways and learning more about living and letting go rather than holding on and forever keeping in motion.

I hope the few loyal readers I have will stay with me because I do care about you and care what you think. I also hope you’ll enjoy the slight change in direction from here on out…